There is a thin line between love and possession, arrogance and self-confidence, kindness and helplessness, strength and cruelty, and between honesty and rudeness, but there is no thin line between letting go and trying harder. It is an either-or dilemma that we all should go through in life. My either-or choices are a bit too cruel, too extreme. It is either to live it fully or simply die. If I can’t do it all, I won’t do anything. I don’t like and I cannot stand semi-life or semi-death; it is either-or.
Helplessness kills me and tears my soul to pieces. I cannot just stand there watching someone who needs help and do nothing. I cannot run away from a situation that needs fixing and facing. When I asked one of my closest friends which feature defines me most, he said “Action. You’re a woman of action.” To be honest, I expected something complimentary to shut me up because I know men don’t like these kinds of sassy questions, but he stunned me because it was true. I don’t give up easily on people, jobs, skills needing to be learned, books, writings or achievements. I try to try my best and every time I surprise myself with how far I can go, with how far I went.
Oddly enough, this is coming out of someone who’s suicidal. But maybe my failed suicidal attempts taught me more about myself than anyone I’ve ever met, will ever meet. Maybe when I hit the bottom I had a ground to build on from the scratch. Maybe I had to be locked in my room for days, weeks, and month to reach this phase of self-clarity and discovery. More often than not, loneliness is the key. Artists, writers, composers and painters get inspired alone, they work alone, they produce alone, they touch their inner creative part when alone. But that is not always the case. I hit the ground every now and then, just like these days, and I don’t know what to do. Will music help? Could workout relieve my stress? Will cleaning clear my mind? Will some self-pampering bring me back to myself? All of these are questions that pop up in my mind every day, but the hardest question hits at night: Should I try harder or let it go?
It is not fear that stops me neither love. It is the fact that I have a set of morals that I’ve inscribed for myself to follow and my morals refuse giving up on people who need me. Nonetheless, some people refuse help, refuse to admit that they need help and reject your attempts to make them better. It is amazingly selfish when a huge taker thinks of themselves as a huge giver and suddenly any simple gift, subway journey, or outing is considered an effortful action. It is not so easy to find someone whom you can lean on freely without feeling that you are a burden. It might have become understandable if at least you can dig into your mind and find some reliable actions to compensate, but there are none. They all resemble uselessness, helplessness, and carelessness.
Sometimes, when we appreciate the small things, the doer becomes too lazy to do any big thing. The doer guarantees that anything will satisfy you and they will never make any effort to do something big. Some people are not just physically lazy; rather, they become emotionally lazy. Emotionally lazy people are disastrous and contagious.